coins and dollar bills,
all for your own cheap thrills.
you are a wanderlust,
seeking an adventure in me.
take me out on an impromptu date,
and we can love till late.
Acts of service—
this was your biggest justification,
you told me you love me,
all I ever wanted for evidence,
was for your effort to prove yourself.
Acts of service:
your definition:
if the lethargy sets in,
and our ventures wore out,
you threw your shoes away,
and quietly slipped a new one.
old was boring.
Cold December nights.
I walk the same path on cold December nights and I look at the Christmas lights shimmering under the dim glow of the moon. As my feet crashes on to the pavement, the chilly breeze of these cold December nights brushes against my hair.
It is the same cold December nights but a familiar kind of night.
I remember my old December nights. Sneaking past the bolted doors, laughing and mulling over the cold irony of life with shenanigans in the wee hours of the night. I remember an occasional cigarette, a puff or two on these old December nights.
We stayed up till three or four, wrestling with the thunderous waves crashing against the tides and on these cold December nights, we knew we were not alone.
But my new cold December nights spoke a different kind of solitude.
Where are my three four am shenanigans? Reckless decisions and running cross the roads in the peaceful silence of the night, where have these nights went?
Oh cold December nights, clad in shorts and an oversized shirt. I remembered when we zipped through the night shivering under the cold glare of the wind.
But where are these cold December nights?
This solitude seems to be closing in. I know I am not alone but where are the better days with a little beer on the table and a cigarette on our fingers stumbling through the stab of our own heartbreaks.
Do you still remember our stories and the tears escaping the edges of our eyes as we try to breathe a little better? Do you still remember the advices rolling off the tip of our tongues as our sobriety ticked away into the navy blue skies.
I remember these good old cold December nights because they were shrouded with warmth and love in the midst of our broken hearts.
But this December night?
It is piercing and I am trembling in these cold December nights.
Knowing dam well my days are running low till Christmas.
But these cold December nights without my companions and late night conversations. The desolation takes me back to the wilderness of you.
The thought of you.
The love for you.
and being replaced by you.
Wretched cold December nights sipping by the fireplace and watching me shiver in your polar ensnare.
You count the days till Christmas and these cold December nights would not even let me warm up by the fireplace and have a sip of piping coffee with you.
cold December nights, cold Christmas lights.
they are all the same kind of blue if it is not with you.
100% (love meter)
any actions resulting in anger, disappointment, sadness etc. will affect scale.
“You’re pretty”
“You’re cute”
“You look good today”
“You dressed well today”
meter: 100%
“You make me happy”
“You make me feel loved”
“You make me feel wanted”
“You make me feel special”
meter: 100%
“You make me feel good”
“We look so compatible together”
“You’re different”
“Our souls and body connected”
meter: 100%
but I tripped.
“Why didn’t you put on make up today?”
“Hey, why is your outfit so sloppy?”
“Why do you look different from before”
“Gee, why can’t you look good for me?”
meter: 80%
and I thought to myself: please do not love me less
“Why didn’t you text me back?”
“Am I not important to you anymore?”
“Why can’t you think for me?”
“I don’t feel as happy as before”
meter: 60%
and I held my breath and pleaded in my heart: do not give up on me
“We aren’t the same anymore”
“You’ve changed”
“You barely make time for me anymore”
“I just don’t feel you’re the one”
meter: 40%
and I pushed pass the pain in my tiny heart and whispered: I am trying my best
and I fell.
“You hurt me too much”
“Don’t you remember what you did to me?”
“You don’t even care about me anymore”
“You never listened to whatever I have to say”
meter: 20%
and I wiped a little tear away and my heart cried: do you not see I am changed
“You never loved me”
“You aren’t ready for us”
“We were never meant to be”
“This is too hard for me”
meter: 0%
and I always thought what I should have done to earn your love but I was wrong.
and I always thought my past was my shadow but I was wrong.
and I always thought I did not give you the love you needed but I was wrong.
because I met you.
a different person.
you pushed past me and you pushed past my darkness and you pushed past the things I did just to make you love me more but you tell me a different tale.
“My love for you is given, not earned.”
For you, you saw my physical. We did things for love, to make our deceased bodies feel alive. To make our numb souls feel something. For you, we were physical and we packed our bags when we did not feel the love we wanted.
but for you. You saw my heart, you saw my old dysfunctions and brokenness. You saw my heart and you knew I was trying the best I could. For you, it was heart to heart. A raw second of complete nakedness and you never loved me any less.
Past mistakes did not define me. You said who I was was enough for you. Anything I did to hurt you, to push you away. Your scale?
100%
“You didn’t spend time with me today”
You didn’t talk to me today”
“Hey why are you pushing me away”
“Why aren’t you making the effort to be with me”
meter: 100%
no more no less, you never changed.
“You cheated”
“You lied”
“You manipulated”
“You were once depressed”
meter: 100%
forget about it, you do not look at it but you saw me.
even a wicked heart with deceit in mind, a mess with turbulent emotions and a weak with dysfunctions as a home.
only you said it was okay, only you said it was wiped away, only you kept the meter straight and you never loved me any more or any less.
But why?
You tell me: I see your heart, the good and the bad. I see every part of you and I know your bad can be good because my love will heal.
and so you chased me down, knocked on my door and held me when my days were bad. forgave me when I made you mad or hurt, loved me even good and bad.
you pushed passed my physical and there was nothing I did that would ever make you leave.
and this is why I want to love like you.
meter:100%
never changing, never fluctuating because you first love me.
and I do it from love and not for love,
for that,
I want to be love like you,
never asking for anything in return.
because you taught me how to love unconditionally.
words could lit you on fire,
your words laced with charm,
and a speck of honey.
you sought a shelter in ink,
while a forest fire consumed you.
Words of affirmation—
you saw my letters,
and had a taste of my pain.
you read my words,
and you knew of the lies.
little did you know,
I never needed your sweet nothings,
to feel at ease with my skin.
Words of affirmation:
your definition:
if it did not feed your ego,
it did not fit your motto.
you knew my fluency with words,
yet you did not feel the flames of passion.
if anything I did was to extinguish you,
you sought another body to set you ablaze.
tell me what it means to love:
let go or hold on?
to love is to give,
to love is being selfless,
to love is giving every breath to see a smile.
to love is a gift,
and to love is to live.
but you wear away,
oh dear heart hold on.
to love someone,
you are first loved.
to let go,
is loving yourself,
to let go,
is because they found happiness with someone else.
dear heart,
to hold on wrenches pain.
to hold on bears grief,
to hold on shreds you apart,
to hold on is the exorbitance of their happiness.
dear heart,
you are so fearfully and wonderfully made,
crafted with splendour,
I see the beauty radiating from your soul.
dear heart,
you are born out of love,
to see the sun gleaming through your smile,
you heart is a mesmerising work of art.
you will walk the walls some day,
you will admire the galleries,
and you will see your heart under the warm orange glow.
not for sale:
status— priceless
not for sale:
– only to be loved and to love
tell me what it means to love:
to let go or hold on?
but here I am in your arms,
loved and not forsaken,
and out of love,
you tell me to let go,
of the one I love,
for it burns my soul.
out of your perfect love,
you heal every fragments of my heart.
strengthened and arrested by grace,
to love is to let go of people who hurt us,
only then can we feel,
touch,
hear,
the sensation to truly be loved.
skinship,
that defined our love more than anything else.
when your skin could barely breathe,
you needed a new flesh to satisfy,
your insatiable hunger for love.
Physical touch—
it did not mean anything,
if our hearts were not aligned.
your flesh thirst for intimacy,
when all I wanted was your naked heart.
Physical touch:
you defined:
a salient mortar for our souls,
you had death in your bones,
a chasm in your flesh.
when I was not the right fit—
you went shopping for a better measurement.
I made you took the 5 love languages test,
not for you to abuse my love for you,
but for me to know you deeper.
yet you took it for granted,
and made my love your brothel.
Quality time—
time was expensive,
you thought you bought my love,
when all I needed was five seconds with you.
Quality time:
your definition:
24 hours together,
or I was not enough for you.
you had me at that excuse,
so you could craft a cosy abode,
for her.
our forever is composed by nows,
and our future written by our history,
for every tears,
and every laughter,
and every debilitating past,
is the very making of our present.
mark this:
the estuary of our memoirs,
mourns for the days we threaded red light,
and reminisces for the days we flowed through time.
you tell me Paris meant nothing,
and i will tell you,
the stars meant nothing.
our forever composed by nows,
is inspired by the tribulations we ran,
and the rebelliousness of us.
this forever engraved in us,
may take years to be a headline,
but as of now our forever:
a mishap:
a classified file.
we never spoke about it ever,
and we never polished it again.
so let our forever fade into oblivion,
and the abysmal devastation consume us.
People never see me.
They say I come and go like the wind. Sensing my presence but never seeing me there.
Maybe that was why you left.
You felt me but you did not see me by your side. I blew past you and always being around was never enough.
Maybe.
that was why you left.
but as cliche as it sounds, you never left my heart.
People never understood how I could erase all traces of us after you left.
“It’s as if you do not care anymore.”
“How could you do that to someone you love?”
“Maybe because you do not love him enough.”
or it could be the way I liked to do things.
I am the wind.
picking up small traces of memories and laughter. I carry it to a place far beyond the borders.
I am the wind.
I hold on to me these images of us and truthfully, wherever I went next, a sliver of you came through the crowds.
do not think I erased and eradicated those pictures, those laughters, those sweet nothings, late night phone calls and shenanigans because of a cold heart.
I am unafraid to forget who you are.
“I don’t ever want to forget him.”
I believed I said this millions of times but I came so far to know when you love someone, your heart never forgets.
truly, where the wind blows, it is where your sails will go.
similarly, where those memory lanes trickle, it is where you find your treasured echo.
I am not afraid of losing those memories because I know when my rivers stream, it will take me to you.
even if you were far away.
I knew I would be there.
when you love someone oh so deeply,
you love everything that comes with them,
and you take with you these polaroids
and the wind will take them to a new museum,
a fresh gallery for all your cherished art.
called me the wind,
you said I blew your sadness away,
but you prayed for me to leave.
called me the wind,
you made me bear your pain,
and now I carry them with me.
gone with the wind,
but for you,
where the genuine love cascades,
I find you in the waterfall of our yesterdays.
“Maybe you don’t know this, but I’m always going to hold your hand and never let go.”
On May 25 2019, 1:49am.
This was the best thing I have received in my life.
All my life, every person who held on to me, let me go. Every person who promised, every person who claimed they “love” me or “need” me in their lives left. They let go of me and let my hand turn cold.
but he was different.
He always walked to the ends of the earth with me. Even when he was silent, even when he seemed far away and was no where to be found. He always held onto my hand.
Till this day, he is walking with me through my emotional turbulence. He is telling me not to give up, and he tells me he loves me.
He loves me.
Even when I’m such a hard person to love.
Even when I broke his heart.
Even when I ran from him.
Even when I made mistakes.
Even when I’m in pieces.
Even when I pushed him away and fought against him.
He still tells me He loves me.
I don’t deserve this but you chose me.
When everyone else chose to abandon me, you chose to be with me.
When I thought to myself: Why is everyone leaving me? Am I so unlovable?
You told me you never left my side.
You know? Before all this joy and hope brims all of my heart.
I was nothing. I was alone. I was forsaken. I was unloved.
I found no point in being happy because I was undeserving of happiness, because each time I saw hope in my life again. It was extinguished.
Anything positive was ash and I was buried under it.
Trust me when I say I knew what it felt like to be losing everything, to be a failure. To live out a life where people used you to satisfy themselves. To love someone only to have them leave you dangling.
trust me. I walked down that bleak path dusted with darkness echoing with an immense wail for help.
I was vulnerable and everyday I fought to stay alive.
I had been defeated and I tried not to look wounded.
I was nothing but I created a facade to make myself feel like something.
today:
you made a nothing like me be something.
“Maybe you don’t know this but: I am holding you close to my heart and you’ve never left my mind.”
People tell me: it’s okay, you will find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved.
and I tell them now: I found him.
Even now, in this month of treacherous valleys. My heart is filled with songs of praise and my lips overflow with joy. My tears may flood my paths but the warmth of the sun keeps my feet dry.
Everyone else tells me things I know, things I want to hear.
But I tell them, no one have ever lived their words so true like he did.
You and I, we both know what it feels like to have a heart that aches to be whole. A soul that craves to be free. A life that yearns to be happy.
We know what it meant to be loved, but we never found someone who loved the way we did.
You and I, we fought against the world and we fell. We were defeated yet we held on.
Our fingers were left to dangle off the edge of the world as the counterfeit treasures fell off the palm of our hands.
We saw our battered lips, bleeding limbs and swollen eyes.
We saw the fight we put, and the life we forfeited for those who never carved us in their hearts.
You and I, we are all wandering in this diabolical universe.
You and I, we are lost sheep.
but I am found.
I tell you, put down your guns.
He is fighting for you.
His relentless love will stitch you up. His tender love will hold you close. His unending love will lift you up.
He will keep chasing you down, and he will hold onto you and never let you slip away.
He forgives the mistakes you make and the ghosts of your past— He doesn’t see them.
He sees the flesh of the present and He sees someone strong and beautiful.
I tell you there’s hope and love.
I never knew forever till he chose me to be His.
My hands are kept warm because He holds onto them— even through the havoc.
He surfs the waves with me, and in this pandemoniac world. He built me a shelter of peace.
I tell you this:
Maybe you don’t know this, but He is waiting for you to be loved. He is calling out your name and chasing you down even when you feel nothing.
always love,
grumpebi
grumpebi.wordpress.com 